Attachment
by mikey magee
Summary: Kanan speaks with Ezra.


"Kanan, love, we need to talk," Hera said as she walked into Kanan's room. She was the only person who was allowed to even enter Kanan's quarters without his permission. But she never did it, not unless the situation was dire.

Kanan sat on his floor, his hands fiddling with his light saber. For the past couple of days had had been trying to increase its energy output. With that new Sith Lord around, he needed all the extra advantageous he could get. "What is it Hera?"

She sat down on his bed and leaned into her elbows. "It's Ezra."

"What about him? He didn't steal another TIE fighter, did he?"

Hera shook her head, "No. But it's still something just as serious."

Kanan placed his light saber down and cocked his head. What could be more serious than Ezra stealing a TIE? Was he hurt? Had Kanan been pushing him too hard during their training sessions? Granted, Hera did say he needed to ease up on the kid, but Kanan would rather Ezra be over trained and alive.

"Ezra…" she raised her hands to the ceiling, and then slowly placed them back down. "I'm no expert on human anatomy, but Ezra's fifteen now. He's at that age where…humans begin to change. Isn't that right?"

Oh no.

Kanan glanced to the floor, trying to avoid eye contact. It was lucky Hera wasn't force sensitive, otherwise she'd be able to sense how nervous he had become. "Y-yeah. That sounds about right."

"And I know, all sentients, when it comes to aging and maturing, have a tough time…" she rolled her eyes to the back of her head, as if trying to find the right words, "navigating these kinds of waters. Especially when they don't have any guidance, or don't have a trusted person to ask questions to."

She wasn't considering what Kanan thought she was considering, right?

"And there certainly isn't anyone Ezra trusts more than you, love. Not only that, you're pretty much the only one onboard who is capable of…" she paused, "giving him any kind of…advice that might be applicable. Seeing as…you're both human males…and all."

Kanan rose to his feet. "A-and, what exactly has brought this sudden…uh…topic of conversation up? Has Ezra been…asking questions, or-"

Hera simple raised her hands, "No, no, no. Nothing like that. It's just I know those kinds of issues can be distracting for growing beings. And with all that's going on with everyone, those kinds of distractions could lead to…dangerous consequences."

Hera had a point. Kanan had been so busy preparing Ezra for any kind of assault, sparring, sword practicing, target practice, that he completely forgot that Ezra was…a teenager. And teenagers (particularly boys) tend to think more with their lower appendages than with their brains. And that left Ezra vulnerable.

"Okay," Kanan said as he sat down next to Hera. The bed sprung when the balance of weight shifted from one side to the other. "So, where do I come in?"

"You're his master and, frankly speaking, you're the only person who fully understands what he's going through at this age. You need to help him understand it, and then show him how to control it."

Alright…that wasn't so hard. Kanan could simply shift the focus from physical training to meditation.

"And I don't mean making him meditate for an hour every day."

Kanan cocked his eyebrow, perhaps Hera was a little Force sensitive after all.

"I mean," Hera began again, "Explain things to him. Make him understand. If he can't understand something, then there's no way he'll be able to control it."

 _True. That was very true_ , Kanan thought. And, as Ezra's master, it did fall to him to bring a little guidance to this time of Ezra's life. Ezra was a sharp kid, and for all Kanan knew, he was probably well-versed in some form of...this subject. Kanan had seen the streets of Lothal, he took notice of the women who strolled down the dusty roads, disappearing into a cantina with some gentleman they just met, and never came out. Hell, as a younger man, he had enjoyed such activities himself, of course he had never told Hera that.

But seeing those kinds of acts was vastly different from understanding them. And looking at something from a cantina window was completely different from experiencing your body react to urges you couldn't control.

"I understand," Kanan said.

"I knew you would."

Training that day was less intense, and it gave Ezra pause. Granted, it was nice to have a little break, but Kanan never took it easy on him. Since the team left Lothal, Kanan and Ezra had to practice in whatever spare space they could. Sometimes it would be stick fighting in the hanger, other times it would be simple shadow boxing in the comms room.

But today, it was meditation in Kanan's quarters.

"Uh..Kanan," Ezra asked, "Is everything alright?"

It wasn't just the switch up in routine, Kanan moved with a rigid tenseness. Almost as if he had a starship rammed inside of him. He was nervous about something, and Ezra didn't need their bond to sense it. The two were still in meditating position, Kanan and Ezra's shoes sat to the side, and Kanan took a deep breath. His preparation to speak.

"Kid, you're at a pretty important age now," Kanan began.

"Uh…yeah," Ezra agreed, "With Lothal out of the picture, and the Empire on the Rise, I'd say everyone is at a pretty big cross roads."

Kanan grunted, "That's not what I meant. I mean you. Specifically. You're fifteen now, right?"

Ezra nodded.

"And at that age comes certain…changes that you might not be used to."

 _What?_

"Uh…Kanan, what are you talking about?"

That was a good question. In fact, Kanan wasn't really sure he knew himself. He was never really trained for…this. At the temple, when it came to sex, everyone was backwards. Attaching yourself to any one place, person, or philosophy was one of the most dangerous things a Jedi could do. Attachment led to emotion. Emotion led to fear. Fear led to hatred. Hatred led to the Dark Side. For the good of yourself, and those around you, attachment was forbidden. Even Kanan's Master, Depa Billaba, for all of her kind words and sound advice, kept a veiled distance between herself and her Padawan. In fact, most Masters were given Padawans as a way to armor themselves against attachment. To train a student, and then be able to leave them, was considered mastery over your own emotions.

So…anything that could form an attachment (romance, marriage, deep friendships, family) was frowned upon. And when Kanan came to his master with his mind on his urges and his hormones jetting through him, she would only smile and say: "Meditate."

There was no talk on the subject, just an expectation to master it in order to advance to the next level of training. It wasn't until Kanan grew older, changed his name, and let go of the Jedi's old teachings that he began to understand himself and his need for close proximity.

As Caleb, he felt guilty whenever he saw a woman pass by him. As Caleb, he felt his urges and did everything he could to suppress them. Attachment only led to bad things. But as Kanan, he felt a surge of testosterone, and the urge to feel more. He had learned through his many experiences which positions worked best, why his neck tingled after each kiss, and what it meant to break and form attachments. But now, in this instance Kanan realized he needed both of those perspectives. A detachment that could explain things clearly, and a passion that could burn away any ill-will.

"Ezra, what exactly do you understand about your body? About all of these changes that are going on, and these feelings you have. And don't try to deny them, I see the way you look at some of the girls on the Falcon...who by the way, are too old for you."

Ezra winced at those words. He closed his eyes and breathed, centering himself and his emotions until they all aligned. "It's strange. I feel like everything around me is changing. Home has changed. I've changed. My body is changing and giving me all of these…" he closed his eyes tighter, "…signals. And sometimes I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do. I-I've heard that back at the Temple, Jedi were never supposed to have romantic or-"

"Yeah, you can just ignore that." Kanan wasn't about to allow Ezra the time to consider closing himself off from attachment, romantic or otherwise. In the years Kanan had gone without the Jedi order he had realized that attachment was not the enemy. But rather the denial of emotion. How could a Jedi be compassionate if they closed themselves off from emotional contact? It was ludicrous, and drove many Padawans and Masters insane. Ezra didn't need that. He needed clarity. He needed reassurance. "Listen kid, I'm not gonna lie. You've got a lot on your plate…far more than I had to deal with when I was your age. But I want you to know those feelings are normal, and good. They mean you're maturing into a man."

And Kanan was going to be there every step of the way to provide as much guidance as he could. "Alright," Ezra said.

The Jedi order was flawed, how exactly did they expect kids to grow up into functioning adults if their basic urges weren't addressed? Kanan didn't know all the answers, but at least he and Ezra could begin their search together.

"If you have any questions, any feelings, or any concerns, you need to come talk to me. Deal?"

Ezra nodded his head. "Yeah, it's a deal."


End file.
